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Human Nature

by Valerie Nusbaum

As a writer and an artist, I’m fascinated by humans. I tend to sit quietly and observe how people move and interact with each other.  I notice their bone structures and coloring, and I spend a lot of time pondering their actions. Why do people do and say the things they do? What are their motivations? The psychology of it is quite interesting to me, and I’m constantly amazed by our differences and similarities.

I love conducting impromptu surveys and asking many individuals the same question. It’s both amusing and informative to learn about how we’re different and, yet, so alike. I’ve included some of my recent findings.

I posed the question “What is your favorite breakfast cereal?” and thirty-five people weighed in.  As you can imagine, their answers were all over the place, but the common thread was that most people try to make a healthy choice.  Oatmeal was the big winner, but only homemade oatmeal, not the stuff in the packets; although, one or two people did admit to eating the packaged stuff. Cheerios and bran were popular, as most of my social circle is people of a certain age and fiber is our friend. I learned that one person has a gluten allergy. A few very honest people copped to eating the sugary kids’ cereals—face it, folks, those are the only ones that really taste good. I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and I’m not afraid to say it. Interestingly, no one asked me why I wanted to know.

A magazine article that I read suggested that women should be drinking 91 ounces of water each day. I asked a group of people to tell me how much water each of them consumes on a daily basis.  Responses from fifty people varied greatly, with some folks drinking as little as 24 ounces, and one person chugging a whopping 144 ounces each day. One person postulated that drinking any liquid counts because everything contains water, which led to a discussion about whether wine consumption should be included.  The person who brought up the other beverage issue is the same person who eats dinosaur eggs oatmeal. Another person sent us all an article about the perils of drinking too much water. Again, no one wanted to know why I asked the question in the first place. In fairness, a lot of people know that I collect data for stories and articles. Some people just think I’m odd.

I asked the question, “In the movie of your life, which actor would play you?” and the responses I got were everything from Herve Villechaize and Don Knotts to Judy Densch and Sandra Bullock (me).  Melissa McCarthy was the big winner, with her name appearing three times. I asked Randy this question and he replied, “That guy who played Earl’s brother on that show.” I knew exactly who he meant.

A lot of people weighed in on the question of whether they install their toilet tissue roll over or under.  The vast majority of responders use the “over” method. Only three out of the seventy who answered the question pull their paper from under.  Those rebels! Two people cited the toilet tissue patent, where it is clearly stated that the tissue roll is to be placed in the “over” position.  One person stores her tissue in a wicker basket, and another has an up and down holder. Several people have absolutely no idea and a few don’t care as long as the roll isn’t empty. No one wondered why I was asking.

“Would you rather read the book or watch the movie?” prompted a lot of discussion. Most people prefer to read. Only three would rather watch the movie. Some said that reading the book first and then watching the movie aggravates them. On the other hand, watching the movie first and then reading the book doesn’t bother anyone. I generally can’t see the movie if I’ve already read the book. I spend too much time looking for the differences. Randy referenced The Girl on the Train, and said that he’d have preferred more information on the train in both the book and the movie. I didn’t point out that we haven’t seen the film.

What did I learn from my polling? Nothing really, except that bit about the toilet tissue patent.  I’ve always known that people like to take part in things. We’re curious about each other, and we try to help when we can. We like to share information, and, frankly, we like talking about ourselves and expressing our thoughts. If we see a big group of people clustered around something, we want to know what’s going on. We’re curious and we like to belong. We have markedly different opinions, likes and dislikes, but we share a lot of thoughts and feelings, too. Heck, maybe we’re all a little odd. Or maybe I’m not as bad as you think. Most importantly, no one cares why I ask the questions.

by Valerie Nusbaum

Despite what you might believe, writing is hard work. If a writer has a good idea, the words can flow from the brain, almost more quickly than they can be written. When the ideas stop coming, then the problems begin. That’s where I am today. I have a column due next week and absolutely no idea what to write about.

The column is for the February edition, so it seems silly to write about the recent Christmas holidays. I’ve been there and done that already. Valentine’s Day has been done to death and, besides, there’s only so much I can say about hearts and flowers and romance without gagging. Groundhog Day? I could give you a brief history of how the tradition got started and then tell you that my in-laws were married on February 2, but I don’t know where to go from there. Let’s see…President’s Day? I guess we could discuss Washington and Lincoln and a few other Commanders in Chief. I could mention that I’ve been trying to memorize the names of the Presidents in order of service, and once I’ve mastered that, I plan to commit their terms and Vice Presidents to memory as well. I’m an American. I feel I should know that. I don’t believe I can come up with nine hundred words on that subject, though.

Randy really hasn’t done anything particularly funny lately. He’s working long days at his job, and we have a lot of family issues that we’re dealing with. There’s nothing of interest to my readers in that. This is supposed to be a light, humorous story, not something that will make you cry or fall asleep.

My brother is flying in from Montana for a short visit, and I could write about how we’re always happy to see each other, but we manage to get on each other’s nerves after two hours together. Some things never change.  I’m planning to make a sign to hold up at the airport for him. You know how the limo drivers hold signs with their passengers’ names? My sign will read “Booger.” I’m trying to talk Randy into holding a sign reading “Bigg.” There might be a story in that for another time.

Our nephew sent us pictures of our grand-niece, Clara, playing inside a big cardboard box. That’s it. Not even a paragraph.

My mother suggested that I write about the time we were kids, and Mom was sledding with us at my grandparents’ house. Mom ran over Pap’s peach tree with the sled. She thinks that story is hilarious. You be the judge.

I’ve started three other columns and have left them all hanging. One was, indeed, about Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t finish it. Another one was about the month of February.  Three paragraphs in and I was stumped. The third one was a piece of fiction about a girl who was allergic to flowers and chocolate. What was I thinking?

I was getting desperate, and then I remembered that right after Christmas I had read The Girl on the Train. I found that book very disturbing, and yet I couldn’t put it down. After I finished the book, I gave it to Randy and asked if he’d read it to see if he had the same reaction. Not being a big fan of “chick lit,” he read it and then said, “You’re darn right it was disturbing. I read the whole stupid book about those silly people, and the writer never once mentioned what kind of train it was.” His reaction cracked me up, but I didn’t think I could write a whole column around it.

I thought about writing something regarding weight loss since everyone seems to be trying to lose weight after the holidays. Then I remembered something else that Randy said recently. You see, he’s not a member of Oprah’s fan club. Now that Oprah owns a portion of Weight Watchers and she’s become their spokesperson, Randy is even more annoyed with her. We were watching television the other night and one of Oprah’s commercials came on. Randy looked over and said, “You know, someone should put Oprah and Marie Osmond in a room together and let them eat each other.” It took me a second, and then I figured out that Marie is a spokesperson for Nutri-Systems. Maybe a weight loss column is a good idea for another month, but I think I’ll leave Oprah out of it.  And Marie.

So here I am with a whole lot of nothing. Life is like that. Sometimes it’s exciting and filled to the brim with action and adventure. More often than not, it’s like this. Stuff happens, but most of it isn’t worth repeating. And some of it can’t be repeated in polite company (most of my emails with my friend, Gail, fall in this category). We have appointments with our doctors and dentists, we get bills that need to be disputed, we have lunch or dinner with friends, and we spend time with our families. We can choose to grumble about things or we can smile and get on with it. Most of all, we can relax and enjoy the slow times. Trust me, it won’t always be this way.