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Happily Ever After

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Ode to February

by Valerie Nusbaum

February is the shortest month of the year, but it’s a special month because every four years a February 29th comes along.  Our second calendar month is home to Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, and President’s Day.  February is also the most likely month to play host to a blizzard.

For me, though, February is a major work time. It’s generally the time when I start spring cleaning. I clean out closets and drawers. I donate items we don’t use or need, and I throw away things that aren’t worth donating. Almost nothing makes me feel as good as organizing and straightening cabinets, closets, and drawers. 

I also spend a lot of time in my studio in February. It’s great to be able to look out the window at the bleak landscape while I paint something colorful and bright. I also do a lot of thinking as I stare out the window, and sometimes I’m reminded of things my family would rather I forget……

One day Randy mentioned that he was craving Mexican food. I may not always let on that I’m listening while he ruminates, but I do hear him; so I thought I’d surprise him with some homemade enchiladas, rice and beans for dinner the next day. I chopped and cooked, grated cheese, and set out chips and salsa for my hungry hubby when he came home after a hard day at the office.  He seemed to enjoy the meal and thanked me profusely. Then he leaned back in his chair and said, “I’m going to sit here and think about what I might be craving for tomorrow night.”

I looked over and said, “Let me help you out with that. Tomorrow night, you’ll be craving leftovers.”

Then there was the time my mother was visiting. It wasn’t a planned visit. Mom had spent the night in the hospital, and I insisted that she come home with us for a few days to rest and recover. She didn’t have any toiletries or makeup with her, so I offered her the use of anything I had on hand. She said she could make do with her own lipstick and asked if she could borrow an eyebrow pencil. I was busy doing laundry or some such, so I told her where to look and to help herself.

When I went back upstairs, Mom was in the bathroom and she called me in. She asked me how her eyebrows looked, and I tried not to laugh. Honestly, I did.

“They look fine except for one little thing,” I said. “You do know that they’re blue, don’t you?” Mom had grabbed a blue eyeliner pencil instead of the one she wanted, and she evidently couldn’t see well in the bathroom light.

I’ve gotten off track here. We were discussing all the things there are to do in February. Don’t forget Mardi Gras. Yes, we’re a long way from New Orleans, but a lot of people I know join in the celebration.  Some of them even lift their shirts and beg for beads. Granted, that’s not a great thing to do in the grocery store, but I’ve seen it happen.

Speaking of grocery stores, February is the month when we can all get our Kinkling Day fix.  My mother-in-law used to do “donut day” in February, where she made and fried lots and lots of donuts and then covered them and herself in powdered sugar.  Randy told me that he loved walking through her kitchen door and sitting down to a platter of warm donuts.

Don’t forget about the Super Bowl, which (I think) is played on the first Sunday in February. Lots of people enjoy watching the game, and even more enjoy the snacks, drinks, and food included in a proper Super Bowl viewing—big pots of chili, chips and dips, hot dogs, hoagies, and beer, beer, beer. Randy and I are Baltimore Ravens fans, and while our team made it to the playoffs this year, they lost the wild card game.  We’ll still watch the Super Bowl and I’ll make the food, but it won’t be the same for us without a horse in the race. We’ll rate the commercials like everyone else. In an aside, I’d like to point out to the Ravens owners that absolutely no one looks good in purple. I’m just saying.

If Randy gets a Super Bowl party, I get an Oscars party. Since Randy is in charge of the food for this one, I might be served a pizza, but I love pizza, so that’s okay. I don’t usually watch the awards show, but I do enjoy seeing some of the red carpet antics. Celebrities crack me up with all their preening and the fact that most of them can’t string together enough intelligent words to form a sentence. Randy always says that he can’t understand how a star can have writers and minions at his disposal, and still can’t give an acceptance speech that makes sense. He also tells me every single year that it’s very apparent that Hollywood believes it invented the bosom.

My point here is that there’s a lot to do in a very short time in February. Whatever YOU do, I hope you’re warm, safe and well-fed.

Happily Ever After- Writer’s Block

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by Valerie Nusbaum

Despite what you might believe, writing is hard work. If a writer has a good idea, the words can flow from the brain, almost more quickly than they can be written. When the ideas stop coming, then the problems begin. That’s where I am today. I have a column due next week and absolutely no idea what to write about.

The column is for the February edition, so it seems silly to write about the recent Christmas holidays. I’ve been there and done that already. Valentine’s Day has been done to death and, besides, there’s only so much I can say about hearts and flowers and romance without gagging. Groundhog Day? I could give you a brief history of how the tradition got started and then tell you that my in-laws were married on February 2, but I don’t know where to go from there. Let’s see…President’s Day? I guess we could discuss Washington and Lincoln and a few other Commanders in Chief. I could mention that I’ve been trying to memorize the names of the Presidents in order of service, and once I’ve mastered that, I plan to commit their terms and Vice Presidents to memory as well. I’m an American. I feel I should know that. I don’t believe I can come up with nine hundred words on that subject, though.

Randy really hasn’t done anything particularly funny lately. He’s working long days at his job, and we have a lot of family issues that we’re dealing with. There’s nothing of interest to my readers in that. This is supposed to be a light, humorous story, not something that will make you cry or fall asleep.

My brother is flying in from Montana for a short visit, and I could write about how we’re always happy to see each other, but we manage to get on each other’s nerves after two hours together. Some things never change.  I’m planning to make a sign to hold up at the airport for him. You know how the limo drivers hold signs with their passengers’ names? My sign will read “Booger.” I’m trying to talk Randy into holding a sign reading “Bigg.” There might be a story in that for another time.

Our nephew sent us pictures of our grand-niece, Clara, playing inside a big cardboard box. That’s it. Not even a paragraph.

My mother suggested that I write about the time we were kids, and Mom was sledding with us at my grandparents’ house. Mom ran over Pap’s peach tree with the sled. She thinks that story is hilarious. You be the judge.

I’ve started three other columns and have left them all hanging. One was, indeed, about Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t finish it. Another one was about the month of February.  Three paragraphs in and I was stumped. The third one was a piece of fiction about a girl who was allergic to flowers and chocolate. What was I thinking?

I was getting desperate, and then I remembered that right after Christmas I had read The Girl on the Train. I found that book very disturbing, and yet I couldn’t put it down. After I finished the book, I gave it to Randy and asked if he’d read it to see if he had the same reaction. Not being a big fan of “chick lit,” he read it and then said, “You’re darn right it was disturbing. I read the whole stupid book about those silly people, and the writer never once mentioned what kind of train it was.” His reaction cracked me up, but I didn’t think I could write a whole column around it.

I thought about writing something regarding weight loss since everyone seems to be trying to lose weight after the holidays. Then I remembered something else that Randy said recently. You see, he’s not a member of Oprah’s fan club. Now that Oprah owns a portion of Weight Watchers and she’s become their spokesperson, Randy is even more annoyed with her. We were watching television the other night and one of Oprah’s commercials came on. Randy looked over and said, “You know, someone should put Oprah and Marie Osmond in a room together and let them eat each other.” It took me a second, and then I figured out that Marie is a spokesperson for Nutri-Systems. Maybe a weight loss column is a good idea for another month, but I think I’ll leave Oprah out of it.  And Marie.

So here I am with a whole lot of nothing. Life is like that. Sometimes it’s exciting and filled to the brim with action and adventure. More often than not, it’s like this. Stuff happens, but most of it isn’t worth repeating. And some of it can’t be repeated in polite company (most of my emails with my friend, Gail, fall in this category). We have appointments with our doctors and dentists, we get bills that need to be disputed, we have lunch or dinner with friends, and we spend time with our families. We can choose to grumble about things or we can smile and get on with it. Most of all, we can relax and enjoy the slow times. Trust me, it won’t always be this way.