by Valerie Nusbaum

In this column, I often write about the differences between men and women. I mostly base my writing on my own experiences living and sharing life with a member of the opposite sex. Randy often provides me with keen insights into the mind of the male species. Sometimes I shake with laughter, and sometimes I simply shake.

My husband and I recently had a conversation about the upcoming presidential election. For the first time in the history of our country a woman is representing one of the two major parties in a bid for the top office. As a woman myself, I feel proud and happy and that it’s about darn time. Whether you’re a fan of Mrs. Clinton or not, it’s still a big deal to have a woman in the race, right?

I explained to Randy that back in the dark ages when we grew up, little girls were encouraged to be beauty queens and mommies. We were steered toward careers in teaching or nursing, or we became secretaries and office workers. I was never told that I could grow up and become President of the United States. I was a girl, after all, and I couldn’t do a “man’s” job.

Randy, on the other hand, was encouraged to spread his wings, go to college, and conquer the world. He was a boy. He was allowed to play in the dirt, while my mother made me sit on a bench in my sandbox so that my dress wouldn’t get dirty.

I’m glad that times and viewpoints have changed and things are starting to equal out. I wonder what the world will be like in another hundred years. Sometimes, I breathe a sigh of relief that I won’t be around to find out.

My purpose in rambling on this way is this: As children, we were all taught a lot of things that haven’t held up over the years. It’s time to do some de-bunking.

Myth #1: Always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident. Seriously? Chances are that if you’re in an accident, your underwear won’t be clean anyway.

Myth #2: Never go to bed angry. I think this advice was mostly given to married couples, but anger isn’t reserved for matrimony. If you’ve ever worked outside the home, been part of a family, belonged to an organization, or gone to school, chances are you’ve been angry at one time or another. If I hadn’t gone to bed angry, I wouldn’t have slept for about seven years. I had a horrible boss, but that’s another story for another day.

Myth #3: Eat all your vegetables. Or what? Will the veggie police come and arrest me? I understand that vegetables are good for us, and sometimes parents have a hard time getting kids to eat them. Honestly, though, some vegetables are ugly to look at. They smell funny and they don’t always taste good. Randy never ate his vegetables and look at how he turned out. Maybe I should re-think this one.

Myth #4: Save your “best” for Sundays and special occasions. If life has taught us anything, it’s that nothing is a given. Break out the good stuff and take pleasure in using it. If the china gets broken, get angry and go to bed. Plus, you won’t have to eat your vegetables.

Myth #5: Don’t keep digging in that same spot or you’ll reach China. I don’t even know what to say about this one.

Myth #6: Stop making that face or your face will freeze, and you’ll always look like that. I didn’t listen and now every time my mother sees me, she says, “Serves you right.”

Myth #7: Don’t play in the fire or you’ll wet the bed. Randy’s parents used that one on him and his brother. Randy still plays with fire, but these days he just burns up the hot dogs, and he hardly ever wets the bed.

Myth #8: Boys should play with trucks and girls should play with dolls. First of all, G.I. Joe was a doll, not an action figure. My Barbie drove around in a Tonka dump truck, but only when Mom wasn’t looking. If Mom caught me, she’d threaten to send me to the home for wayward girls. My brother was always threatened with military school. I guess there was no home for wayward boys.

Myth #9: If you don’t eat fruit, you’ll get scurvy. Randy and Dale didn’t know what scurvy was, but they definitely didn’t want it, so they ate lots of fruit. These days, Randy doesn’t eat much fruit at all because it was forced on him as a child. Also, he knows now that pirates got scurvy while they were at sea, and he thinks pirates are cool.

Myth #10: Your mother has eyes in the back of her head. Okay, this one is true. I mean, how else did my mom know I was making those faces?