-Plumb Crazy-
by Valerie Nusbaum
“I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but you really need to fix your toilet. It never shuts off quite right,” I wrote in an email to Randy last week. He was at work and I had just attempted to get his toilet to stop running yet again. This problem had been going on for months and as I pointed out in my email, “I’m sure it’s not helping with our outrageous water bills.”
Maybe I wrote the magic words, but when we got up last Saturday morning he announced that he was going to fix the toilet first thing and then he’d replace the faucet on his sink. We’d bought a new faucet a couple of weeks ago and he hadn’t had time to work on it.
“Sounds good,” I said, “but if the faucet is too much of a job, we can call a plumber.” Those are fighting words in our house and I knew it.
“Why would I call a plumber and pay him hundreds of dollars for a job that will take me twenty minutes?” asked my hubby. I’ve been down this road before, more than once, and I knew what was coming. To my credit, I kept quiet and went along.
At nine o’clock that morning, Randy made a trip to ACE Hardware to buy a toilet kit. I was cleaning out a closet in my studio and couldn’t hear what was happening in his bathroom but the job seemed to go well and in a little while, he announced that he was finished.
“I’m glad that’s fixed,” I said.
“Oh, I just said I was finished. Whether or not it’s fixed remains to be seen,” was Randy’s reply.
Somewhere around 10:00 a.m., he crawled under his sink and started cussing. I swear, I didn’t know there were that many variations of one word. Apparently the valves weren’t going to come off in any way that would be reusable, so Randy needed another trip for parts. This time, he decided to spread the wealth and he visited Hobbs Hardware.
Randy asked if he could turn off the water to the house before he left because he needed to take a valve with him in order to match it. I’d been planning to do some cleaning and scrubbing but without water, I had to find something else to do so I wrapped some birthday gifts for my upcoming lunch with my cousin and Mom.
I heard Randy come home before I saw him. He stomped into my office and announced that he was a dope and was sure he’d bought the wrong piece. I wanted to point out that he’d said he was taking a piece with him to the store, but I let that one go. He looked under the sink, unloaded some more swear words and went out the door again.
When he got back home, he informed me that Mr. Hobbs had laughed at him. I told him that I felt sure Mr. Hobbs laughs at a lot of the men in town.
At noon, Randy asked me if I wanted him to stop for lunch. I couldn’t cook anything without water and had no leftovers in the fridge to warm up, plus he hadn’t given me time to wash the breakfast dishes and the sink was full, so I told him that we’d have to get some takeout salads for lunch but I could wait a while. I figured I’d give him time to finish the job. There was so much grunting and groaning coming from the bathroom, it almost sounded like the night before a colonoscopy. At one point, I saw him take his phone into the bathroom, so I know that YouTube was involved.
I walked on the treadmill and did some work on the computer, both of which are in my office. The office is right next to Randy’s bathroom, so he was doing all his cursing and muttering under his breath. I avoided turning on the television while I walked as I know that Lifetime annoys him when he’s already annoyed, and I didn’t dare put on a home improvement show at that point. Randy kept saying, “Really????” I’m pretty sure he was talking to the pipes.
I could see him referring to the directions that came with the faucet. His bathroom isn’t very big, so each time he threw the papers they were still within easy reach. And, of course, the directions were incorrect. They always are, aren’t they?
At 1:00 p.m. he turned the water back on. Evidently, water isn’t supposed to spray all over the inside of the cabinet, so the water was promptly turned off again. There was more straining and grunting, some words I hadn’t heard before, and at 1:30 I was called in to help check the seating of the stopper. Success! Everything seemed to be working properly and there were no more leaks. The new faucet is very stylish, too. Just to be on the safe side though, Randy suggested that we not put the towels and toiletries back inside the cabinet for a while.
As we finally ate our salads, Randy pointed out that he’d saved us quite a few dollars. He’s right about that. This morning, I noticed that the towels are still in the guest room.
