Ten Things You Don’t Know About Randy
by Valerie Nusbaum
Over the years, I’ve told you a lot of things about my lovely husband. Some of them were actually true. In fact, I may have told you some of the following things before, and if I have, I do apologize for repeating myself. Getting older is my only excuse. It’s said that memory is the second thing to go, but I can’t remember the first. I could go on and on about Randy’s many quirks and eccentricities or his charming attributes, as it were, but I’ve whittled them down to just a manageable ten, so here goes:
1. He watches The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with me. I admit that the show is my guilty pleasure. It makes me feel so good about my own life and my mental state. Randy knows each housewife by name, and he discusses their meltdowns and cat fights (yes, I said it) with me. He even understood what I meant one day when I said, “That woman reminds me of Sutton.” I think Kyle is his favorite, but mainly because she co-starred in some of the Halloween movies.
2. Randy is the breakfast chef at our house. He makes everything from hotel-style Belgian waffles to a bowl of cold cereal with bananas. He’s a master of hot tea and his omelets are to die for. This doesn’t mean that I don’t also cook breakfast. French toast is my specialty. Randy is better at it, though, and he seems to enjoy doing it, as long as I stay out of the kitchen while he’s cooking. and I don’t say a word about the mess.
3. He’s a fan of New Kids on the Block. I can’t explain it except to say that he has the music in him and he’s got the right stuff.
4. Randy loves to dance, and he’s very flexible and light on his feet. You’re picturing that now, aren’t you? We took ballroom dance lessons a long time ago. It didn’t go well. Apparently, loving dancing and being able to move doesn’t constitute recognizing the beat and remembering steps. Just ask the usher at Cher’s farewell concert at Verizon Center. I’d told her that Randy would be up and dancing and that it might shock her. She watched him and was slightly horrified but couldn’t look away. However, Randy did make it on the Jumbotron while he was performing “YMCA” with the Village People during the opening act. He’s also done the “Locomotion” with Little Eva. He slow danced with a man named Sarge at a Barry Manilow concert, and, another time, one of The Temptations stopped the show to tell Randy to please sit down. However, Randy did chicken out of going onstage with The Ronettes because he didn’t want to be their Baby.
5. It should come as no surprise, then, to find out that Randy was voted “Most Musical” in his high school senior class. He not only sings and dances, but he also writes a lot of songs about our daily life. I can’t print any of the lyrics here, but some of them are pretty catchy tunes. Randy not only played the trumpet, but he also played the tuba in the high school marching band because he was the only one big enough to carry it.
6. Mr. Nusbaum doesn’t like vegetables. He’ll eat them, but he doesn’t like them. Any kind of sauce, including cheese, helps, and he drowns his salads in dressing. Otherwise, as he says, it’s “just a bowl of lettuce.”
7. Randy puts gravy on macaroni and cheese, which, incidentally, is his favorite vegetable. I know that mac and cheese is not a vegetable, but I’ve given up arguing about it.
8. My hubby has a collection of crazy socks. We’re talking hundreds of pairs here. He has socks for every occasion and holiday, as well as socks for every possible situation or event. If we go out for Mexican food, Randy wears either his taco socks or his piñata socks. He also has cactus socks and hot pepper socks. Of course, there are waffle socks for breakfast and burger socks for picnics. Musical instruments, sports memorabilia, superheroes, planes, trains, cars and trucks, animals, and every other kind of food and activity imaginable, are all part of Randy’s collection. Oh, and he also has a pair of boxer shorts with Steve’s face on them. They were a birthday gift.
9. Randy color-coordinates his outfit to whatever he’s planning to order for dinner if we go out to a restaurant. That way, if he spills his food, it won’t be so noticeable.
10. Randy gives everyone a nickname. No one is safe. Most of the names are harmless, and they came about because Randy didn’t know the person’s actual name. Walky Man, Lilac Lady, etc., just things like that. However, if someone mistreats me or irritates Randy, all bets are off, and the names get more creative. So far, he’s never slipped up and used one of his nicknames in public or to someone’s face, but we both know that day will come. When that happens, I’ll do the same thing I do at Home Depot when Randy argues with the manager or tries to negotiate a better deal. I’ll pretend I don’t know him and walk away.